i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it's like iHOP with fire
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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