the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
