I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
