I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
