my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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