I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize