I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
