I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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