The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
