First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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