My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize