Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
