dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
