the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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