you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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