So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
