look no pants
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
