Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
