No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
