so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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