Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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