cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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