Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize