the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
