Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
