I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
