Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
she told me i tasted like america
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
