yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize