drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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