I will die if light touches me.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
