this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I stole a fireplace last night.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize