Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
ttyl tear gas
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
