Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
