My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
