I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
