I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
