Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
