Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
