Umm I'm too high to move.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
