Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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