Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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