3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
false alarm, still single
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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