Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
