dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
