so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Rumble strips road head = magical
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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