I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
