If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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