So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
