gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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