I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
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