My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
