My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
