I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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