you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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