What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
