doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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