What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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