i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
