Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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