i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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