True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
