Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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