apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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