Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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