Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize