More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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