i think my mom watched the whole time
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
