They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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