I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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