I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think your dad took our porno
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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