I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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